On a drunken night out I had a bet with Matthew "Judas" Carr. He had about 4 millimeters of stubble on his face but I was clean shaven so I had to quickly grow a beard. I put on Die Hard and watched some terrorists get blown to shit for a couple of hours, by the time John McClain said "Yipeekayay Motherfucker" I had a full beard and the bet was on.
Unless you're Burt Reynolds, Danny Trejo or Chopper Read a moustache will either make you look like a massive gay or a sex offender. Not many people can pull it off. Matthew "Freddie Mercury" Carr isn't going to be able to rock the 'stache. Shit, he isn't even cool enough to call it a "stache".
Here are the rules.
The Bet
The Moustache must be kept from 01 November until Christmas day. First one to shave it off loses, has a tiny wang and must do the forfeit.
The Forfeit
The loser must read anything the winner can fit onto an A4 piece of paper. It will be filmed and put on youtube. I'm still thinking up sick shit he can say. I'll probably be forced to send his mother a copy of the DVD when it's ready.
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I will be updating this with pics and any breaking news on how gay Matthew "not in the face" Carr looks. I'll also add a link to the youtube video if anyone actually loses.
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*UPDATE 1* (12/11/09) - Matthew "Ted Danson" Carr sleeps with a hot water bottle. He probably needs it to keep his vagina warm. Oh yeah, and there's still no winner.
*UPDATE 2* (17/11/09) - Matthew "Rimmer" Carr sits down to pee. And it looks like we might have a winner. Fuck Yeah! I'll confirm it on thursday.
*UPDATE 3* (28/11/09) - UPDATE FROM MATTHEW CARR Yo pop-pickers! As an honourable man, I feel it my duty to confirm that I indeed lost the bet with Mike "don't tickle my scrote" Bishop this very week and filmed my forfeit segments for your viewing enjoyment. I can't say I agree with the content of the video but I certainly agree with the idea of a man fulfilling his obligation to Queeb and country. Long may I live. Goo-goob goo-goob a joob.
10 December- The video is coming! I downloaded a cracked video editing program that almost killed my laptop. I'll get on it hopefully over the next couple of days. Matthews mother is going to disown him when she gets the dvd for christmas
The Video (Finally!)
The Score
Mike 1 - 0 Matthew
Moustache Bet
The Funniest/Gayest/Weirdest Tattoos Ever - Part 2
Here are 18 more tattoos that have amused me in some way. I have more so I might eventually do a part 3. In no particular order:
Nazi UnicornBecause nothing says white power more than a racist unicorn
Slut Stamp
1# Dick Sucka
It's good for hookers to take some pride in their work
Storm Trooper Spanking Captain Kirk
Coin Slot
Because of the credit crunch strippers have started accepting coins, now all they need is somewhere to swipe a credit card
Gay Backpiece
This guy loves the cock
Princess Leia Rubbing her Biff on R2D2
Seriously, what is wrong with Star Wars fans?
Bald Britney
This was when she was going through her Moby phase
Finger Light Sabers
Dolphin Smoking a Bong
This must be on a hippy
Money Shot
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Off to Work We Go
I'm not sure what it is they're mining from there
Pacman
OMG it's Jesus
Hug Life
This is what Tupac really meant
Beavis & Butthead vs The Simpsons
This is why people shouldn't buy tattoo machines off ebay
Atlas Holding up a Tit
When you need more support than just a wonderbra.
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Check out Part 1
Good Charlotte Are About as Punk as The Spice Girls
Good Charlotte are shit. They're nothing but a boy band with tattoos.
Wearing your sisters eyeliner doesn't make you a punk. They're like the retarded kid from down the street who ties a scarf around his head and thinks he's a ninja.
Here's a hint for you, it's not real music when your fan base is mainly made up of teenage girls. When you've got the same fans as the Backstreet Boys it's time to stop claiming you're a punk band.
Email to npower
Dear npower
Why are you such a bunch of pig fucking, granny killing, poor people exploiting, money grubbing cunts?
Regards
Mike B
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I sent this to their customer enquiries yesterday. I got the message "We may take a few days to respond as each enquiry is looked at individually. Your enquiry is important to us, so please allow us the time to properly address your individual request". Sounds like they take enquiries like mine seriously, hopefully they'll get their top bods on it and send me a decent explanation.
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Update. I got this reply today:
Our Reference Number: XXXXXX
Due to the nature of the words in your email i do not wish to reply to you.
Kind regards
npower customer service
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Oh well. Maybe next time I'll ask without any rude words in my email. I don't want to upset the over-sensitive, cock-sucking, chicken molesting sons of bitches who work for npower.
The Funniest/Gayest/Weirdest Tattoos Ever
The Tacklefly
What's gayer than a butterfly tattoo? Nothing, you say? How about a pink butterfly? That's pretty gay right? Yeah, well what about a butterfly made of COCKS?! That's right. COCKS!
What's gayer than a butterfly tattoo? Nothing, you say? How about a pink butterfly? That's pretty gay right? Yeah, well what about a butterfly made of COCKS?! That's right. COCKS!
Two Girls One Cup
If you haven't seen this video yet then don't. You can never un-watch it.
Anal Starfish
There are some fucked up people at BMEZINE
Stumpernail
This one is genius
Batman and Robin
We all suspected it
Mermen
You thought your butterfly made of cocks was gay? Well how about a couple of mermen? Gay mermen. How do we know they're gay you ask? Well, the one at the back is giving the other a reach around...in front of two giant spurting cocks! This one's so gay it almost went all the way back around to straight. Almost.
Cockfish
All that was missing from the mermen tattoo was a couple of these badboys swimming in the background.
Bellybutton Bumholes
There are loads of these on the net but they're all more or less the same thing
Dirty Sanchez
Nice
Unicorn Bumming a Dolphin
No explanation needed. This is awesome.
Diseased Vagina
Why? Just Why?
Drunken, Vomiting Cock
This is girliest cock I've ever seen (and I've seen You got She-Male)
Plug Socket
If you're going to take a photo of your biff, do us a favour and take your tampon out first.
Cock Fairy
That's right. A cock fairy.
Fuck the World
You think you're punk with your fuck the world badges and your punk as fuck patches on your denim jackets? Well this guy has a tattoo of himself literally fucking the world. Beat that.
The Cunt Puncher
I think of mine as more of a wanking spanner
What?
I've never seen so much smut in so little space. This must be what a sex offender sees on every sheet of paper when they do a Rorschach Ink Blot Test.
70's Bush
That reminds me, I haven't seen Bealys mam in a while
Public toilet
Looks like one of Michael Barrymores Tea-Parties
Armpit Cock
Bit too close to the barbed wire for comfort
Ann Robinsons Kebab
I've kissed worse
More Unicorn Sex
Even though they're mythical, they're still dirty little fuckers.
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I've saved a lot of these over the last couple of years from various sites and forums (mainly BME and some myspace groups I'm a member of). These are just my favourites from the bunch. Check out Part 2.
I Want to Punch Will Smith in the Balls
Fresh Prince of Bell-EndThe thing I hate most about this talentless bucket of shit is his whole speaking loudly and gurning like a moron shtick. He doesn't seem to understand that just being loud isn't funny. When you say something it doesn't get any funnier just because you shout it. It also doesn't get any funnier if you nudge someone with your elbow, pull a stupid fucking face and say "yamean?". And another thing, "You know what I mean" is five words, not one. Everytime he says "Ptschh" I get so mad I just want to rip his eyebrows off.
For the love of God leave the Karate Kid alone! You can ruin adaptations of awesome books (I am Legend) and put your stink all over some great ideas (Hancock) but don't mess with my childhood. What next, are they going to let him remake The Goonies? I don't want to see the Karate Kid get out of his new Audi concept car, tie his Reebok trainers, text Mr Miagi on his new Nokia then do a crane kick in front of the huge fucking Coca-Cola sign in Times Square. The advertising in his movies is ridiculous (see I, Robot or I Am Legend for the worst offenders). It hasn't even begun filming yet but already I know that when I see it I'm going to want to crane kick Will Smith in the cock.
What's the deal with him and Tom Cruise? Will Smith has bagged himself a new celebrity
"Can I touch your beef hula-hoop?"I can't help thinking that if he never got the part on The Fresh Prince he never would have made it to Hollywood. If there is any karma in the world, every time the person in charge of casting leaves his house, he'll step on a rake, get hit in the face and then fall in a huge stinking pile hobo shit.
Hancock had the potential to be so good. This is another example of taking a great idea and then hiring Will Smith to drop his pants and shit all over it. How good would a drunken superhero be if it was played by someone like Billy-Bob Thornton in full-on Bad Santa mode? I get angry just thinking about it.
FactI Am Legend was a good idea since none of the other adaptations really did it justice. I had high hopes for this until I heard it was being made as just another Will Smith vehicle. I knew it was going to suck balls but even I was shocked by how bad it actually turned out. Why on earth did someone decide to make a movie about Will Smith being chased by bits of cartoon and occasionally cowering in a bathtub. It was like a less funny Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Another movie he did that annoyed me was Ali. Even worse than the film itself was the acclaim he got for his performance. For some reason his portrayal of Muhammed Ali gained him a lot of respect as an actor. He showed his usual acting range (shouting and gurning), only this time he had more muscle. Literally the only difference between his performance in this and his performance as the Fresh Prince was his muscles. If all you need are muscles to be a good actor then Arnold Schwarzenegger should have a special building made to house all of his Oscars.
I can't list every single one of his movies that I hate because this blog would just be his IMDB page. Don't even get me started on his music. Every time I hear one of his songs I can't help but think how lucky deaf people are for not having to suffer through it.
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I actually used to watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air but I always thought Carlton was the funniest part of the show. I didn't immediately hate Will Smith, it was a gradual thing that started with Independence Day and now gets worse every time I see him. If he can find a director to reign him in and make him play it straight he might one day not ruin every movie he's in. He almost managed it in the first 30 minutes of I Am Legend but then he lost me when he started gurning at the mannequins in the store. I could probably add about a thousand more things to this list...and as he makes more movies i just might.
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