So a quick bit of back story, for 6 months of last year I paid emergency tax on my wages. After numerous phone calls to sort it out I was told it would be automatically refunded in April. It's now the end of July and I still haven't received any of it. Apparently even though they keep records of how much tax I've paid I need to get proof myself and send it in. Sounds simple enough, I have everything apart from a letter from the benefits office proving that I was unemployed for part of the year.
I called them towards the end of last month and requested the letter. No problem they said, you'll have it in 3-4 days. I've since requested it 3 more times and still haven't got the bastard thing.
Yesterday I called and spoke to some whiney voiced bint who couldn't be bothered to actually request another letter to be sent out. She'd much rather spend most of the call implying that I was lying and I had a stack of mail they'd sent to me. She was obviously dumb as shit and had that croaky can't-be-bothered-to-speak voice that stoners and students use that just annoys the piss out of me. I had a hard time understanding what she was saying since the words sounded like they were being muffled trying to escape from her massively fat, cream bun chomping face. I don't know what she looked like but she sounded hideous so I'm picturing something like this.
"good afternoon you're speaking to Sarah and I like playing patty cake"
She annoyed me straight away when I told her that I hadn't received any of the letters and she immediately interrupted me to say that I "allegedly" hadn't received them. Allegedly. What the fuck? Why would I lie? I have nothing to gain by having them send me a load of letters. Did she think I was sat rubbing my hands waiting at the door for the postman so I could get my mail, strip it and sell it for parts on the black market? It's a fucking piece of paper in an envelope. She told me that she didn't think that's what I was up to, but she was sure they'd all been sent out to me and if I'd lost them there wasn't much she could do. Apparently, if I couldn't keep track of my own mail that wasn't really her problem.
I asked her to confirm the address they were sending them out to was correct, since I wouldn't get them if they'd been sent elsewhere. She interuppted to say "allegedly" again. I explained that no, not allegedly, I definitely wouldn't get them if they were sent out to the wrong address since my postman isn't fucking Mystic Meg. I asked if she even knew what allegedly meant or if she'd just heard it on CSI or something and wanted to sound more intelligent. We argued for a while about what it meant and she cut me off mid-sentence to stick me on hold for five minutes. She probably had to finish her cream bun or do some finger painting or some shit. Eventually she came back on and I asked to make a complaint. She refused to let me put in a complaint so I had to speak to her manager.
Her manager was cool and actually looked into what had happened, she apologised and told me she'd make Sarah (the original girl) take down my complaint if I was ok with it. Was I ok with it? I was over the fucking moon with it and decided to amuse myself for a while.
Sarah came back on and asked what I wanted her to write. No problem. "Today I wasted 30 minutes talking to one of your staff. It was a simple query that should have been resolved in 5 minutes. Instead I had to argue with some uneducated sounding moron with the most annoying voice I've ever heard". She had a hissy fit telling me her voice wasn't annoying. I told her to either write what I asked or put her manager back on because I'm a cunt like that and she'd annoyed me. She wrote it down and I made her read it back. I thought about it and told her to add "she also sounded fat" to the end of it. And then I pretty much just insulted her for the next 15 minutes and made her keep reading it back to me. Occasionally I asked for her input like when I couldn't decide if I should use "moron" or "window licker". by the end of it she was absolutely fuming and I'd cheered up no end.
Today I got a call from Deborah (her manager) regarding the complaint. She actually laughed when she told me that I didn't sound too happy with Sarah on the call recording. I'm guessing she doesn't like her much either and was amused by what an absolute arsehole I was to her. Apparently the letter has been sent and I'll have it by the end of the week (along with a letter of apology for being called a liar).
So the moral of the story this week kids: if you want something sorting out just call a girl fat to her superiors.
Until next time.
Mike B
