Moustache Bet

On a drunken night out I had a bet with Matthew "Judas" Carr. He had about 4 millimeters of stubble on his face but I was clean shaven so I had to quickly grow a beard. I put on Die Hard and watched some terrorists get blown to shit for a couple of hours, by the time John McClain said "Yipeekayay Motherfucker" I had a full beard and the bet was on.

Unless you're Burt Reynolds, Danny Trejo or Chopper Read a moustache will either make you look like a massive gay or a sex offender. Not many people can pull it off. Matthew "Freddie Mercury" Carr isn't going to be able to rock the 'stache. Shit, he isn't even cool enough to call it a "stache".

Here are the rules.

The Bet

The Moustache must be kept from 01 November until Christmas day. First one to shave it off loses, has a tiny wang and must do the forfeit.

The Forfeit

The loser must read anything the winner can fit onto an A4 piece of paper. It will be filmed and put on youtube. I'm still thinking up sick shit he can say. I'll probably be forced to send his mother a copy of the DVD when it's ready.

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I will be updating this with pics and any breaking news on how gay Matthew "not in the face" Carr looks. I'll also add a link to the youtube video if anyone actually loses.
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 *UPDATE 1* (12/11/09) - Matthew "Ted Danson" Carr sleeps with a hot water bottle. He probably needs it to keep his vagina warm. Oh yeah, and there's still no winner.

Fuck the TV Licence

Every month for the last 6 years I have received a threat from the aresholes at the BBC. Apparently, not having a TV license is a crime. As far as the TVL (TVLicensing) are concerned, there are people with TV Licenses and there are License dodging criminals.

It's not a crime to not have a license. Nor is it a crime to ignore their ridiculous letters and demands. It is a crime however to harass and threaten people. I don't watch TV so I don't want or need a TV license. If the BBC was worth watching I might pay £150 per year to watch it. My TV is only used to watch DVDs so I shouldn't need one. But according to them if you have any equipment that is capable of receiving a TV signal then you need a license. Their letters say this includes TVs (duh!), Video Players, DVD Recorders, Digital Boxes, Personal Computers/Laptops and Mobile Phones (what?! who's watching Eastenders on their mobile?). A mobile phone isn't a TV. How long before you need a TV license for a calculator or a microwave with a digital display?

I've recently moved (that's why this site hasn't been updated in a while) and their must have been 6 letters on the mat from the TVL. Check out this site for examples of the letters they send. I get the exact same letters. They go in cycles starting off polite, letting you know that it is a crime to own a TV without a license and then they quickly become more threatening. They say things like "an investigation has been opened", they speak of "impending action" and they say they will send one of their "enforcement officers" to your address to take a sworn statement. A sworn statement? Feel free, it shouldn't take too long to write "suck my balls" and sign it.

No other licensing agency does this. I don't get threats for not having a fishing license. They don't write to me every single month. They don't turn up at my door demanding I let them in to search my flat and prove there are no fishing rods here. Why should the BBC be allowed to do this?

I had a visit today from one of their "officers". He looked like a security guard who'd watched too many episodes of The Sweeney. He asked my name and flashed me his official looking ID in a leather case, like he was fucking Shaft or something. Like he'd just come to bust a "perp" and take him "downtown". He said "Our investigation shows that you don't have a TV License". "OK" I said.

"Enforcement Officer Cockmunch, License Dodging Division"

He stared at me for a while, I'm not sure if he was trying to intimidate me or if he'd only just noticed that I had answered the door in my underpants with soup in my beard. "Do you know that you don't have a TV License?", "I do indeed! If I ever want one I'll give you a call". I closed the door and went back to my dinner. I'm sure these tactics work with little old ladies who don't know that these idiots have no power whatsoever but I won't be pushed around.

A few weeks ago my dad told one of these "officers" that he didn't have a TV and he tried forcing his way in to his bungalow to check. My dad had to physically stop him.

If the BBC wants us to pay for their shite programmes then they should make a deal with SKY and make it a pay channel. You can't just send a signal out and then tell everyone it reaches that they need to pay for it whether they want it or not. It's nothing but another tax on the public.

So Fuck the TV license. Fuck it up it's stupid arse

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Edit. A couple of days later a man knocked on my door asking if I had time to answer a quick survey about my TV viewing habits. I told him I wasn't interested and he kept asking me my name as I closed the door on him. I have no doubt this was yet another tactic used by the sneaky fuckers at the TVL. I think I'm just going to put a sign on my front door that says "Knock on the door and I'll lamp you in the face". It's simple and to the point. I might even write it in my own shit to really make them think twice

Fun With Email Scammers - Part 2

Well my inbox is still being flooded with junk and I'm still replying to waste their time as much as they waste mine. I got this one the other day:

My name is Mr. David Mark and I am a manager of one of the leading banks here in South Africa. I am seeking for your cooperation to present/front you as the beneficiary to one of our late client. Before his death he has in his account a total balance of ($25,000,000,00USD Twenty Five Million United States Dollars).

The late Mr. Christian Eich who died in a plane crash along his entire family was a German engineer who ran carmaker BMW museum, made a deposit of the above said amount in our bank late 1999 with his wife as the next of kin.

Please note that no other person knows about this account other than myself. The strategy is to use my influence as his account manager to make all necessary changes in your favour so that we can apply for the release of the funds in your name.

For further clarification you may please contact me on my direct telephone and fax numbers above. I have already contacted a lawyer who will be working with us to actualizing this transaction. Also, he will handle all the legal aspects of making you the next of kin to the late Mr. Christian Eich thus the sole beneficiary to his estates (fund). Terms and conditions of executing this project will be discussed on confirmation of your seriousness and capability to participate.

I look forward for your urgent response if you are interested to work this out with me. Your private telephone and fax numbers will be appreciated for immediate communication. You can call me on the number above for more clarifications

Mr. David Mark
Intending partner.

NB: I will provide you with my personal and work details as soon as you confirm your seriousness in this venture
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I confirmed my seriousness in this venture with this reply:

Dear David Mark

First of all please accept my deepest sympathy for your friend Mr Eich, a life taken before it's time is always a tragedy. On the other hand I'd just like to say KA-CHING!! $25 million dollars will buy us a lot of hankies so I'm sure we'll get over it! Am I right? This time next week we'll all be nuts deep in strippers and going snow blind from all of the coke! WOOOOHOOOOOOO!!

I'll look forward to hearing from you

Mike B